I feel like you all are probably a little:
towards me right now. (If you didn’t read that in her exact voice then I’m disappointed in you. Go back and try again) And honestly, I can’t blame you. Basically I suck and I’m sorry and I am vowing once again to stop apologizing and just be here more. I’m trying, guys, I’m trying.
School is in session!! Have I even been around to tell you all about it yet? This semester I am enrolled in some pretty great classes. Intro to Social Work, Human Relations, and LGBT History. They are all really interesting courses, although admittedly more work than I originally thought they were going to be. Still— I’ve already learned a lot and I really respect all of my professors, so it is looking to be a pretty promising semester.
If you guys have ever wondered what a perfect night off looks like to a psych major with a sex ed focus: this is it. New reading material and Zoodles with meatballs (YUM). It has been way, way too crazy in my life lately so the chance to sit tonight and post something here, as well as eat a good home cooked meal and read something is really refreshing.
So far Harmful to Minors has been really fascinating— incredibly well researched and very insightful. I agree with all points made thus far, but as I am super sex-positive and pleasure-positive when it comes to sexual education that isn’t a big surprise.
The zoodles were another great surprise. Found the Veggitti and went to town with it. I know so many people suggest spaghetti squash— but in my attempts at cooking with it I just haven’t been a fan. I don’t like how crunchy the spaghetti squash remains even after it has been cooked forever! The zucchini noodles I made tonight were amazing though. So easy, so quick, and really very delicious— with just the texture I was hoping for. I see a whole world of possibilities opening up to me!
I feel like this post has kinda been all over the place, but then again so have I lately. I’m going to hop off here and read some more while I let my dinner settle in my belly. Maybe I’ll go for a run later? Maybe I’ll just get some sleep….
Thanks for always being so patient and supportive of/with me guys! I can’t say how much I appreciate it! Much love coming your way.
Ps how weird is it going to bed alone for the first time in five months?
This bed is feeling massive and lonely tonight.
Don’t worry, guys; Cody and I are still together. He is just partying it up in Vegas while I’m home and going to work and class.
I’m sorry (for the 100thmillionth time) for being gone!
BUT SCHOOL HAS STARTED AND IT IS CRAZY AND ALSO SATISFYING AND I’LL TALK TO YOU LONG TIME TOMORROW, K??
one-twenty-five said: Tori! So many things to say, but first and foremost... thank you!! Thank you so much for your kind post, I was/am so flattered when I read it. I'm so humbled you've found something from my struggles and stories and rants, and I totally just creeped your blog, and you look AMAZING, like whoa. Like, motivation for me to lose the weight (again). You're beautiful, and sassy, and I can't wait to follow your journey! Thank you again. Love Liz xoxo
Well I’ll just go ahead and die of happiness now.
Anonymous said: your weight loss is inspiring! keep it up, beautiful lady!
This is a pretty awesome message to receive— especially after the day I’ve had. Thank you SO much for sending it! You’re an incredibly kind and awesome person
Non-stop eating and body issues
You may or may not know this— but the #1 reason that I got into blogging about weight loss is that Liz from over at one-twenty-five exists in the world. I always found her so honest, so inspiring, so beautiful, so chill, so….. relate-able. I totally got into blogging so that I could be more like her. So that I could possibly get her attention and maybe one day be her best friend (this is still in the works). I mean really, she is a woman who up and left her country to travel the world and live on the opposite side of the planet for a while. Who the fudge DOESN’T want to be that brave and awesome?
(^^ She’s a goddess. Also, pictured is the post I’m about to talk about!)
Last night Liz posted about how she used to be skinny— and how she is taking those photos of herself and using them to inspire her to lose weight again. I really related to what she was saying about how she didn’t realize how good she looked at that low weight when she WAS that low weight. I’ve been there, done that. Me in high school? Thought I was a fat slob. Me two years after high school? Dying to get back to that rocking bod. Me now? Depends on the day. Or hour.
Currently I am the smallest I have been in my entire adult life. Hell, the smallest I have been since sixth grade. Not only the smallest— but the healthiest. The fittest. And yet I am also sitting here after a day of non-stop eating (UGH HORMONES WHY) feeling like a fat, nasty, sluggish, blob. I’m not any of those things, but a day of bad eating and serious temptation to skip the gym tonight hasn’t been great for my self esteem.
Why is it that we can be at a good, healthy, attractive weight and just not feel that way at all? Not see ourselves like that at all? I don’t get it.
I know that for me at least part of the problem is my relationship with eating. I love eating for comfort. I also have a horrible habit of eating bad and then throwing the whole day away because of a few bad decisions instead of just moving forward with my day.
Thankfully, through running and training, my relationship with working out has changed— so I know change in both esteem and eating are possible.
I just want to be able to recognize who and what I really am more— and I think so does she. What is great is I think both of us have grown up enough from our bad histories with ourselves to be able to live and enjoy our day to day lives despite how we feel with our bodies. And that is probably the greatest victory of all.
Look at me talking about her and I like we’re buds. Psh. Internet.
Did a little yoga with my man
… And the dog. She just loves getting to roll around on the floor with us!
Lower and upper back pain sequences plus one long runner’s stretching sequence.
Ahhh.. Zzz…zzz…. Goodnight
Back to school tomorrow!
I’m having very mixed feelings about the whole thing. I’m very excited to get back into the swing of studying— I feel like something is missing in my life when I’m not actively learning. I’m taking pretty awesome courses that are all applicable to my career— Human Relations, LGBT History, and Intro to Social Work. Also super excited because if all goes as it should (fingers crossed, ya’ll) I’ll be graduating with two associates at the end of this semester! AH!
But its a high pressure semester— all the grades have to be perfect, school has to be paid off early, no classes can be missed. Everything must go off without a hitch. So that’s stressful. I’m also, as you all know, not a person who deals with change well. I am scared to leave the comfort of my little baby school and move on to bigger classes and degrees. And I’m also going in a little tiny bit disappointed because I had to drop the Sex and Gender class that I really, really, really wanted to take. But that’s a minor thing.
Wish me luck, guys! I feel like I’m going to need it.
Oh what a beautiful morning
"Oh what a beautiful day. Oh what a beautiful feeling— everything’s going my way"
(photo taken this morning on my walk with Roxy)
Good morning, beautiful people of tumblr! How were your Friday nights? Good? Did you get lots of sleep? Did you get no sleep at all? Have you gotten to sleep in on this Saturday morning? Or have you, like me, been up since early morning getting to enjoy the day.
Yesterday was my nephew’s birthday party— little boy is growing up and is a whole seven years old!! I’m really in shock that he is that big. I just want to cuddle with him and watch Pokemon and keep him this age forever. He is such a crazy intelligent little guy— and such a sweet boy. I love him to death.
After his birthday party I went back to my sister’s house because Cody was working and I am just way to extroverted to spend any amount of time at home alone… by myself… with no other people. Yeah, that ain’t happening. We played with Noah’s new toys, relaxed with some Raz-ber-ita’s and ended up watching Fight Club until 1:30 in the morning. I had never seen the movie before! It was amazing. I had only planned on staying at Shannon’s until Cody headed home from work, but I just couldn’t make myself walk out the door without seeing the end of the movie.
Cody understood. Our texts about it went like this:
- Cody:(12:37am) heading home
- Tori: (12:51am) I can’t stop watching. I’ll be home as soon as this is over
- Cody: (12:55am) Completely understandable. It’s a mind fuck
- Tori: (1:18 am) Dude.
- Cody: (1:19am) Right?
I crashed pretty much as soon as I was home— which is a good thing because Shannon, our mother, and I all planned to go join a group that is doing the first day of Couch to 5K today and run at 8am this morning. All three of us work for the same hospital system, and through work are doing a 5K that is raising funding for Type 1 Diabetes research— very fitting, seeing as Shannon is living with that diagnosis. Our mom is the one who suggested we participate— but was shocked when we asked if she was going to the training that the work group was doing. She had no intention of training for/running the 5K! She just wanted us to walk. But at our encouragement she met us out this morning.
It was really neat to do something like this with my mom and sister. We’re all really close and it was just awesome to get to spend time with them. It felt awesome to do day one of the program again, and to have it feel really easy, since I remember so clearly when day one made me cry. Mom ended up only running once and then walked the rest of the time— so I dropped back with her and walked because I didn’t want her to be alone. I made up for it by taking the dog out as soon as I got home— where I snapped the picture above.
I feel a little like those super posey fake people on facebook that is all “Started the day early with a run, cleaned the house, baked a breakfast from scratch, discovered the cure for cancer, got my kids to eat green beans, and then woke my husband up by pleasuring him. Oh but I need to polish my nails. How do people manage to do it all?” That you make you hate them and yourself because who-da-fuck is seriously like that. Just stop. BUT I’ve kinda had a morning like that today. Walked with mom and Shannon, ran with Roxy, made some jalapeno and cheddar scones from scratch that I just pulled out of the oven. But that is where my “do it all” stops. Im sitting here stinking up the office and covered in sweat with a house that looks destroyed and unloved. All well. (SEE?! I’m that person today. Sorry guys).
Cody and I have a date night tonight that I am really excited for. We haven’t gotten much time lately to just be a couple and be romantic or intimate so I am really looking forward to that.
I hope you all are either having super productive days or not even going to get out of bed. Whichever will make your Saturday better. Love you bunches! MUAH!
(I can still make a long post now and then. Tee-hee)